I'd rather poke a needle in my eye.

As I was sitting in the patient room with my three crying children, in a moment of desperation and temporary (up for debate) insanity, I thought to myself, "In this very moment, If I had a choice, I would prefer to poke a needle into my eyeball than to be right here, right now." Now, if someone handed me a needle, I may have chickened out. But if they handed me a needle in exchange for my children, owey kazowey baby, that thing was going in!

I think I made the first mistake. I showed up to the doctor's office at 11:55. Julian's right foot had been bothering him so badly, so I thought we better get it checked out. I showed up to the pretentious, I think I'm better than you, you look like a slob and your kids are annoying, why don't you know basic protocol you're a grown woman, type of receptionist. What the hell ever happened to people being helpful in life? Whatever, another post altogether. Anyway, I inquired about a few things I should already know about clinic time, if my insurance would cover this visit, etc. Turns out, clinic opens at 1:00. Mind you 11:55, three kids. Ms. Sassypants said I needed to call the number on the back of my insurance card and ask if the doctor is in the network.

Here I am, one hour till clinic. I take the kids to the waiting room with the standard broken ass abacus kind of thing that no one really likes, and sat down. I had three pb & js in the bag, which Adrienne, Julian and I scarfed down in seconds. The kids sat and ate pretzels while I called the insurance Member Service. Okay, Dr. Makestoomuch is part of this plan, whatever. He's covered, we're covered, I don't know I should kill me for it. (That day I would have let you.)
Okay, here we are, one hour to go. Kids are now fed, but starting to get tired.

Just imagine the 5 worst scenarios that could have possibly happened at the doctor's office in the waiting room with a 3 1/2 year old, 2 year old, and 6 month old....did you imagine them? Okay, those 5 things happened and then a whole bunch of other crazy, awful, embarrassing shit.

At 1:00, we went to a room to give someone information, then to another waiting room, then to patient's room for more waiting, then nurse, then more waiting, then doctor. During the more waiting part is where I had the needle fantasy, by the way. When the doctor arrived, who was the nicest of all the people I had met, I thought, "If this person tells me to just keep an eye on it and he's going to be fine, he's getting a needle in his ass. Hard." As he walks in, I'm holding Julian and Isabelle in my arms. Adrienne is lying on the floor with her blankey and I am near tears. "Looks like you got your hands full, mom," Dr. Imsofunny says to me. Good thing he was nice. And helpful.

So, he looks at Julian's red, puffy, bruised, sore little foot. He pushes on it in a few places and gets some pretty good reactions from the little guy. We get x-rays, stickers, and it's a fractured bone. Okay, now, all good moms shield your eyes and plug your ears. I was SO HAPPY to hear that my son had fractured a bone in his foot! I mean, after two hours of hell on Earth, at least there was something to show for it!

Julian got a soft cast wrap and some more stickers and we were outta there! 2:09. 11:55-2:09. NEVER AGAIN! I know I left out all of the juicy specifics and fun laugh out loud stories about children behaving badly. I think we are all better people because of it.

Home. Naps. Beer. I'm feeling a little bit better...