So, the guilt that I wrote about in the nap post is lingering. Here's how it goes. No matter what you do (I do, I'll speak for myself)...as a mother, I always feel that something could have been done better. Even, alas, in my blog posts I feel guilt. I always feel like I need to say, "Oh wait, but I do love my kids. I do love being a stay at home mom. I'm not crasy. I'm not a bad parent." Here's a blog to prove it!!
I love my kids! Let's face it, the "I'm going to lose my mind" blogs are fun to read. And they are true, and authentic, and written in the moment. And, they are therapeutic for me.
I would hope that of the handful of people who read this blog would know that I love my kids.
Okay. I love my kids. I love being a mom. I'm feeling better. Don't judge.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My nap
I RARELY nap at home during the day. The kids are actually good sleepers. They don't all three sleep at the same time every day, but sometimes they do. During that time, I will generally clean a little bit, and take some time for myself. It usually consists of a load of laundry, tidying up the house, watching tevoed Oprah, and playing on facebook. Just about the time when I start to relax, someone's crying.
I RARELY nap. Okay, I think I said that already. It's not that I'm not tired enough to, it's just that if I nap, one of the kids will wake me up from that nap, and I will be groggy, and feel unrested and that time was wasted. So. There will be a day every now and then, whether it be because of a long week, a long night, a combination of things, that I just feel like I need a nap. Here's the kicker. If my mind ever, ever thinks, "I'm going to take a nap today," I'm doomed. It's like my kids read my mind and decide to be bad.
Here's how my nap went today. We get home from running errands, I make a phone call to the church to cancel BJ's lectoring, Adri and Jupa start the war while I'm on the phone. Get off the phone. Angrily tell the kids to get upstairs and go to bed. Adrienne obediently goes and lays in bed and is asleep within five minutes. Julian goes to his room and screams. It was wonderful when Julian was still in a crib and couldn't get out. You could let a kid cry, you know. Then he started climbing out of his crib and I endured fits of insanity because he just wouldn't nap and we'd both pay for it later. Enter: New house is an old house with old door handles. Julian is, for the time being, stuck in his room until I open the door. I know eventually he will get the door open, his confidence restored and he will go back to being 100% ornery boy that he is. Okay, I'm digressing. My nap...where was I, oh yeah...So I change Isabelle's poopy diaper, wipe her snot, drool and lay her in her crib. This is all at 2:00, by the way. She fusses a bit but seems to be calm. I make a cup of tea for my sore throat and grab the book that my dear friend gave me to read. I put on comfy pants, snuggle under the covers in my bed and start reading. I read four pages, set the book down, take off my glasses, fluff the pillow and close my eyes. Julian is still talking but the crying has calmed.
Now, in the back of my mind, I know this nap isn't going to pan out because I actually thought about it in advance. But I gave it my best shot. 2:12. Oh my gosh, I think I'm actually falling asleep. Dreams begin to formulate, I'm starting to relax, 2:24, Isabelle is crying. I get up, try to put the paci in her mouth and she's not having it. On my way to her room, old house comes through for me and floors creak loud enough to wake the neighbors, who probably have no problem napping except for my exceptionally creaky floors, and Julian starts up again.
Now Isa and Julian feed off of each other's crying, they always have, so they are both screaming. Not fussing, but 'get me the hell out of this bed now,' kind of crying. In my desperation, I set up the pack and play in my room, put Isa in there and shut the door. I leave Julian in his room, but I can tell that he has gotten into his closet because there are thumps and thuds and loud scary noises coming from his room.
I leave my two screaming kids and crawl in bed with the angelic sleeping Adri, who doesn't budge, even though the sun is blasting through the windows on her face and her mom is in bed with her. I lay down. 2:30. I laid there and listened to them both scream for 10 minutes. During that ten minutes I become overcome with guilt that I am not taking care of my children, I'm being selfish, and other self-loathing thoughts. I'm also so upset, uptight, angry, frustrated, tired, guilty, whatever, that it's over.
I get Isabelle, I get Julian. We go downstairs. They are sitting and playing on the ground and I'm here blogging about my wonderful 12 minute nap.
Every mom should be so lucky.
I RARELY nap. Okay, I think I said that already. It's not that I'm not tired enough to, it's just that if I nap, one of the kids will wake me up from that nap, and I will be groggy, and feel unrested and that time was wasted. So. There will be a day every now and then, whether it be because of a long week, a long night, a combination of things, that I just feel like I need a nap. Here's the kicker. If my mind ever, ever thinks, "I'm going to take a nap today," I'm doomed. It's like my kids read my mind and decide to be bad.
Here's how my nap went today. We get home from running errands, I make a phone call to the church to cancel BJ's lectoring, Adri and Jupa start the war while I'm on the phone. Get off the phone. Angrily tell the kids to get upstairs and go to bed. Adrienne obediently goes and lays in bed and is asleep within five minutes. Julian goes to his room and screams. It was wonderful when Julian was still in a crib and couldn't get out. You could let a kid cry, you know. Then he started climbing out of his crib and I endured fits of insanity because he just wouldn't nap and we'd both pay for it later. Enter: New house is an old house with old door handles. Julian is, for the time being, stuck in his room until I open the door. I know eventually he will get the door open, his confidence restored and he will go back to being 100% ornery boy that he is. Okay, I'm digressing. My nap...where was I, oh yeah...So I change Isabelle's poopy diaper, wipe her snot, drool and lay her in her crib. This is all at 2:00, by the way. She fusses a bit but seems to be calm. I make a cup of tea for my sore throat and grab the book that my dear friend gave me to read. I put on comfy pants, snuggle under the covers in my bed and start reading. I read four pages, set the book down, take off my glasses, fluff the pillow and close my eyes. Julian is still talking but the crying has calmed.
Now, in the back of my mind, I know this nap isn't going to pan out because I actually thought about it in advance. But I gave it my best shot. 2:12. Oh my gosh, I think I'm actually falling asleep. Dreams begin to formulate, I'm starting to relax, 2:24, Isabelle is crying. I get up, try to put the paci in her mouth and she's not having it. On my way to her room, old house comes through for me and floors creak loud enough to wake the neighbors, who probably have no problem napping except for my exceptionally creaky floors, and Julian starts up again.
Now Isa and Julian feed off of each other's crying, they always have, so they are both screaming. Not fussing, but 'get me the hell out of this bed now,' kind of crying. In my desperation, I set up the pack and play in my room, put Isa in there and shut the door. I leave Julian in his room, but I can tell that he has gotten into his closet because there are thumps and thuds and loud scary noises coming from his room.
I leave my two screaming kids and crawl in bed with the angelic sleeping Adri, who doesn't budge, even though the sun is blasting through the windows on her face and her mom is in bed with her. I lay down. 2:30. I laid there and listened to them both scream for 10 minutes. During that ten minutes I become overcome with guilt that I am not taking care of my children, I'm being selfish, and other self-loathing thoughts. I'm also so upset, uptight, angry, frustrated, tired, guilty, whatever, that it's over.
I get Isabelle, I get Julian. We go downstairs. They are sitting and playing on the ground and I'm here blogging about my wonderful 12 minute nap.
Every mom should be so lucky.
Monday, November 17, 2008
The new house
I should start crapping my pants again. Everyone else is. I'm so tired. Last night wasn't great. I slept in Adrienne's bed with Adrienne and Julian, and Izzy was in the crib next to us. By the way, that's the last time I am typing her name. The last letter of the alphabet key on our keyboard is broken thanks to Julian so typing that letter is extremely difficult, seeing as how the actual key is not on it and you have to forcefully push down on this little button. From now on, she will affectionately be known as Isa. Or I guess I could use her real name. But who does that? And by the way, if I say I'm going crasy, or we're going to the soo, so sip up your coats, you know what I mean.
It is 10:00 a.m., not really a nap time for us in this family, but all of the kids are upstairs. We've been awake since 5:30 this morning. I was trying so hard to get them in nap mode so I could clean like a crasy woman since my house looks like a bomb hit it. But here I am blogging. I need to get some stress out, seriously, and I think 10 a.m. is a little early for a beer. (BJ says lay low on the alcohol references, but I know a few of you momma's would give that one an Amen, sister!)
Anyway, I think I am going to be a ghost writer for blogs. BJ was telling me about it. I told him I needed a ghost chef. Someone who could come into my house, cook meals for the family, and get absolutely no credit, but would be paid, of course. Oh well.
Today is the 8 year anniversary of BJ and my first date. (How do you say that? Mine and BJ's, BJ and I's first date?) How sweet is that, people.
I'm so tired. Why did I title this The new house? I need to get off of this computer if I am not saying anything worthwhile. I've probably already lost my 5 blog followers. Sorry guys.
More next time from crasyland. ...
It is 10:00 a.m., not really a nap time for us in this family, but all of the kids are upstairs. We've been awake since 5:30 this morning. I was trying so hard to get them in nap mode so I could clean like a crasy woman since my house looks like a bomb hit it. But here I am blogging. I need to get some stress out, seriously, and I think 10 a.m. is a little early for a beer. (BJ says lay low on the alcohol references, but I know a few of you momma's would give that one an Amen, sister!)
Anyway, I think I am going to be a ghost writer for blogs. BJ was telling me about it. I told him I needed a ghost chef. Someone who could come into my house, cook meals for the family, and get absolutely no credit, but would be paid, of course. Oh well.
Today is the 8 year anniversary of BJ and my first date. (How do you say that? Mine and BJ's, BJ and I's first date?) How sweet is that, people.
I'm so tired. Why did I title this The new house? I need to get off of this computer if I am not saying anything worthwhile. I've probably already lost my 5 blog followers. Sorry guys.
More next time from crasyland. ...
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