My new mom life.

I just saw something on Yahoo that said, "Can a guy be too nice?" This reminded me of one guy in specific from my past, then got me thinking to another, then I got to thinking, "I never think about this stuff anymore!" That's good, according to my husband and Eckhart Tolle. The past is the past and should be left there. Okay, that's fine, not really the point of the post. The point would be, I have this new mom life where everything, everything, (EVERYTHING!?) has changed.

As stated on the episode of Oprah that featured moms being honest, "You have to redefine yourself once you become a mother. You can never go back to the woman you were before having kids."
I totally and whole-heartedly agree with this statement.

Kids aren't just brought into your life with graceful ease. They aren't dropped off on the doorstep by a stork and everything is the same, yet there is this lovely addition in your life. Baby comes. Life drastically altered.

I close my eyes and envision how I would like my home to look. Even with kids. I'm thinking Pottery Barn-esque but a little less expensive all the way around. And even a little less tidy. Then I open my eyes. Let me just close them again for a minute....okay, okay, then I open my eyes and see toys, tissues on the table (used!), shoes and dirty socks all over the floor, blocks and puzzle pieces (potential hazard to parents feet as we are walking through the room). I see sippys and books and dust and stains and lots and lots of things out of place.

Life is different with these little angels (monsters?). And again, I'm so very different. I'm a different woman than I thought I'd be, as a mom. And, as another common mom theme, there is a lot of guilt.

Today specifically, for an unknown reason, I thought a lot about my potential. Not my potential as a mom, really, but my potential as a person. I know in my heart that I am not giving enough, not doing enough, and not making enough of a difference. I can and should be doing more. But I'm thinking of myself pre-mom. Now, I have to redefine myself, and that, my friends, is certainly a work in progress.

Giving up.

What happened? I didn't give up blogging for Lent. I gave up facebook for Lent. I guess a lot of the Internet activity went with it. But here I am again. Back with a vengeance, right?

Wow, a lot has happened since I have last blogged. The Duggar's became grandparents. Lots of other things. Quite a few things in my world, too. Hopefully many of them will be shared here soon.

Most recently in my area of the news, there's this new thing going on about motherhood. It was on Oprah. There's a new show about it. In the Motherhood on ABC. And I just read a story about it today in the Wall Street Journal. It's this whole honesty thing that mothers have never done that is now becoming the new black. In my mind, I'm extremely comforted by the fact that all of this, Motherhood is hard, being a mom isn't as glamorous as I thought it would be kind of stuff. But I've been blogging about it for months. It's just good to know that other moms are out there, struggling, being real, having bad days, et cetera.

None of it is focus on the good stuff, though. That may be another post for me. I'm sure much more will be on here soon as I am being reintroduced to my wonderful release of blogging. (Thanks, Miranda!)

More soon from the mommahood...

I am so blessed.

I have had an amazingly emotional and wonderful start of 2009. I keep telling myself, and sometimes freaking myself out about it, that I could not be more blessed. My life could not be any better.

I have been so blessed in these 29 years of life. I think to myself, if something awful happens, if I suddenly get a stroke of bad luck, remember the awesome life you have had!! God has blessed me with these amazing years that I have very little to complain about. I have three gorgeous, healthy, happy children. I get to stay at home with my kids, as my job! I have an awesome, very cute, very successful, very smart, and very loving husband. We have food, clothing and shelter, and some extra perks along the way. God has been so good.

Sometimes I feel guilty for what I can not control. I have friends who have been through some unbelievably difficult times in their lives. I wonder why I have not. I wonder why they have to. I wonder why there are so many awful things that happen in this world that we can not control. And sometimes, even though I try to stop it, I wonder when it will be my turn.

I've gotten a lot better, though. I sleep a lot better. I am calmer. I have more faith, more trust than ever. I've become a stronger, more peaceful, more comfortable, more confident person during the past year.

I frequently say that I have had the best nine months of my life. Since little Izzy was born, I have felt so incredibly whole. So content. Our family has flourished with love. We have grown. We have been blessed, blessed, blessed with BJ's new job and our move to Indianapolis. We have been blessed with wonderful families and friends whose support abounds.

Thanks.

I'm whole again!

I can breathe. I feel whole. I have a space bar! My life is complete. Funny thing is, I'm having to relearn how to use my thumb for the space bar. When it was broken, the only way you could get a space was by pushing this little button. The actual space bar was not on the computer. Since I couldn't push it with my thumb, I used my index finger. So now it's like trying to learn how to speak French when you haven't for five years: Everything is all mixed up!

But I do feel whole, able to blog, to write. My little Adri angel colored Sharpie all over her legs and arms today instead of napping. It was so precious. I guess I'd rather it be on her body than on the wall or the couch.

Today's been a great day. My parents had the kids for the weekend, and returned them late last night, bathed, jammied and sleeping - what's better than that? Today has been so fun. I can tell they really missed me. They are being so good and so am I. :) We are definitely having a great day. I wish every mom day could be like today.

This blog has no point, sorry, but I just need to get back on the horse. So, I'll post. And expect many, many more awesome posts from me in the near future. Who knew life with a space bar could be this good?!

Emotional overload

I had a bad dream last night. My mom died. I woke up this morning wondering if that was just the overload of my mind spewing into my dreams because it had nowhere else to go. Yesterday was emotional. Seven hours in a car with three kids will do that to you. I ride so many emotional roller coasters as a mom. Sometimes I wonder if my blogs could possibly make people not want to have kids. That would be so awful. But seriously, I wonder that. Then I realize, "Okay, Erica. Stop fooling yourself. Not that many people are out there reading your blog." Then I calm down.
What I have to say at this moment is that I am in awe of mothers who take care of children with disabilities, handicaps, autism, disease, illness, cancer. It is SO hard to take care of perfectly healthy, beautiful, wonderful children. Because in their perfect beauty (seriously, I look at Izzy's face and think she could not be more perfect), they cry. They scream. They teethe. Between my, "Julian is so cute. I want to eat that face!" there are "I am throwing him in the trash can!" moments. And as for Adrienne, my angel. She kicks. She says hurtful things. She is a slow potty trainer. She drives Julian up the wall. She gets cranky.
I love my kids so much. I would die. I can't express the emotions that come to me when I think about how precious they are in my life. It brings me to tears because I know people who have children who have any number of problems. And I know I am so blessed. So, so, so blessed.
What a hard job this is, motherhood.

Stupid people

There was this girl, Missy234, or something of that nature, in college. I was a junior. She was emailing me all of the time these awful, angry, bitter, hateful messages. Funny thing: I had no idea who she was or why she hated me so much.
It wasn't until tonight that I have been so pissed at someone who did something awful specifically to me. Britney Murdock. Of course, I'm sure that's not her name. I am VERY mad at her.
Back in September, this girl, Britney, came to my door. At the time, I thought she was cute, maybe in her early 20's or late teens. Perky little thing that told me my kids were so cute and I was so skinny for just having a baby. I really liked her then. But now that I recall that day, her teeth were pretty messed up and she had a very sloppy way of speaking, and I think she smelled funny. Or was hunchback. Or something.
Oh, Britney. Britney sat in my kitchen for quite sometime explaining her magazine sales to me. She talked about points and a trip and a competition - none of which I cared about at the time. But I kind of listened. And, thinking back on that day in September, I remember having an iffy feeling about the whole thing. Not an iffy "I feel stupid now so I'll pretend I knew then" feeling, but an iffy "I'm just not sure about this girl, something doesn't add up" feeling. I asked her SO many questions, just trying to figure out what she was doing. I wonder if she was nervous, or exhilarated, or just was going through the motions of her act.
I sat with Britney, mulling over which magazine I wanted to order, even though at the time, we couldn't afford any of them. I remember thinking how expensive I thought they were. As I was deciding not to get one, I text BJ to see if he wants anything. I talk to him on the phone. Britney is sitting there the whole time.
So I see this one for the kids. Britney tells me this one is great because it comes in a big box and it has activities for the kids and they will love it. She tells me that she is the oldest of 12 kids. I actually asked her to name them all, I remember. She did in a kind of slow manner, but whatever. What do you do, say, "Um, I think you are lying about that?" Whatever. I don't know. I guess I just grew up with manners and decency and trust and honesty. Those things mean nothing.
So after much ado, I order this magazine for the kids, 12 issues with a little activity in every one for $48.00. I cut her the check, tell her we may be moving and she says, "Just call the number on the receipt and they will forward it to the right address."
Three months later (tonight), I find the receipt. No phone number. At this point, I am very skeptical because I have not received anything in the mail, and there is no number on the receipt. I enter the address in Google. Lo and behold, what comes up, Ripoff Report.
So, I got over the $48.00. I waste that in a matter of two weeks here and there. I just can't get over Britney, and people like her. How a person can come into your home, lie straight to your face, and rip you off? Okay, and the worst part about it, it was for my kids. That girl sat in my house for 20 minutes while I stewed about which magazine to get, listened to me talk about how excited I was to get the activities. She talked to my kids, chatted with me, sat on my stool! She's awful. The people running the stupid thing are awful. And I am personally pissed at Britney.

It's quiet.

It's quiet here and I can hear the ticking of the clock. Nevermind, it's not quiet anymore. So much for that.